Tuesday, November 18, 2008
today I failed at something for the first time in forever
So today my Chemical class had to go and get gassed by a chemical agent Sarin and G agents. I did about half of it and then almost passed out. I hope it was because it was ridiculously hot in their in the suit and all the crap we had to wear. I really hope it was not because I could not handle the pressure. I do not think it was but I do not know. Damn. I feel so crappy. I have not failed at anything in forever. I do not want to go back to that place. It sucks. really bad What bothers me is that I was praying the entire time to be able to pass and complete it. I do not know if that prayer was answered I will find out tomorrow. I do not know what the standards are. I so do not want to go back there. I honestly do not know what to do. I really do no know what to do. I have prayed and all I feel like is that it will be ok. I do not know what that means. I do not want to go back there. It is in an enclosed facility all blockaded dull and gray. double walls all the way around. there is no way out there is no escape there is nothing but the agent. and your gear which does protect you. It keeps you alive. The gear does its job. Damn. I wish I had not gotten sick today. I wish I just had it done. I do not know what to do. what am I to do. I do not want to go back. I might have to. does this mean my prayers were in vain. why would God want me to go back there and do that crap again. why does it scare me so much? I know in my head the gear works I have lasted for much longer in a more constrstrictive suit. what is with the stupid chamber and the agents in there that bother me so much. what is wrong with me that I can not do what so many others have done? Does this mean that because God did not answer my prayer he wants me to go back. Or will they decide tomorrow that I do not have to go back at all? If I have to go back why would God want me to do that? What purpose would he have in making me go back into that place? What am I to pray about? What am I to ask for from God comfort? the ability to not go back to not go back? what is it that I must do?
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4 comments:
"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike, and they will, you must never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see chariots of fire as far as the eye could see riding at wreckless speed to come to our protection (see 2nd Kings 6:16-17). They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed."--Dallin H. Oaks
Compensation
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those that love the Lord will be added unto them in his own way. While it may not come at a time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Joseph B. Wirthlin
I just wanted you to know that the Lord gave you this. He gave you this "hole"... so that you would know for certain, that it is only HE that can "fill" it.
This makes you so much more merciful to your fellowmen on so many levels. Just stay strong, this too shall pass. You are doing so great that moments like this are bound to stand out. They really stink, don't they? Try to find something to laugh about today.
I remember in the MTC your favorite scripture during Book of Mormon share was one about Moroni.
With your simple and humble faith, you said "I like this scripture, because I think Captain Moroini was a valiant leader, and I want to be like him".
The Lord will put you exactly where he wants you. You stay faithful, and he will guide you even in the littlest areas. He will put you in places of influence. Who knows, maybe in 10 years you'll be able to help someone in these same shoes down this dark road... because you'll have reached the other side in faith.
Wow, that is pretty much what I said to you last night on the phone! I really am so sorry that it happened. Good luck today though, let me know how it all goes.
So, what's the latest? You are a great wife Britta... and not just b/c you can hold your own for months at a time :).
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